Loving an Hysterical Intruder, a Baby!

Looking upon baby

The traditional thinking about a baby's growth is that baby comes into the world naturally, so let it develop naturally under the tutelage of the primary care provider, e.g., the mother. It just takes time and a loving caregiver to bring about a confident, cooperative child.

That's the "old way." New knowledge in physiology challenges that way by pointing out social interactions, particularly with the mother, affects baby's brain development and stress level. Baby needs his physical body attended to in a nuturing environment by a caring mother. That is, not only must the mother administer to baby's physical needs, e.g., giving baby bottle or her breast, etc., she must provide an atmosphere and interact so as to make baby feel safe, secure, welcome; and comfortable. The role of the mother is to minimize the baby's feelings of discomfort and distress and maximize pleasurable experiences. For the baby is not only growing physiologically and anatomically, but emotionally and socially through the interactions with the primary caregiver.

In this new way of thinking, the caregiver has many more responsibilities. She must engage in meaningful social interaction in which the baby is to be calmed, and made to feel secure. The caregiver's efforts will encourage the infant to enter the world, joyously, playfully with few mis-giving instilled by fear. This "new way" emphasizes the tranactional nature of the relationship between mother and baby giving rise to a social bond between them (what I am calling 'social love'). Qua caregiver, the mother is conceived as an actor, a "pretender" as it were, wherein she puts aside any feelings of stress and anger on her part and displays great patience and attentiveness. In the presence of baby, she must promote an atmosphere in which the baby can feel good about himself and come to realize on an emotional level he is a very special person.

You would not enter the hospital room of a dying parent, and show your true feelings of grief and remorse over the patient's condition. Calmly, you would extend your hand to the parent, talking quietly about anything that does not disturb the emotional equlibrium of the patient. The activities of your day must be left outside the room as you attempt to comfort and show compassion to the patient in his waning moments. Indeed, it is natural for humans to adapt to the social situation in which he is interacting, putting aside the attitudes and moods inappropriate. With that thought in mind, the new mother should attend to the baby's needs and wants in a calming and joyous way.

Drama in Welcoming Baby!

When the baby is born, despite the preparations and eager anticipations expressed by family, friends and expectant parents, the event marks an intrusion of major proportions into the lives of those who will provide its primary care, especially the mother. Baby is to infiltrate her life's activities and will commandeer her future for years to come. Yet, baby is an unknown being, demanding constancy of attention regardless of how she may feel about him. Her objective is to offer sufficient attention to effect a calming response from this seemingly amorphous creature through a bond she seeks to establish with it. Dianne Hines describes this bond as an intimate love, in her book The Baby Bond: How to Raise an Emotionally Healthy Child (1999). I refer to it as social love, for it is the interaction of two beings at an emotional level, wherein the mother enables baby to feel welcome in her society. Ms. Hines argues that the real sign of a baby's acceptance of her is when baby ventures forth from mother, aware of the security she provides in being attentively nearby. Because of this bond, baby--and toddler--takes it all in around him!

"Getting to know you; Getting to know all about you!"

Communication between mother and baby is by social interaction. In feeding, changing diapers, rocking, cooing, holding, kissing, touching, tickling, singing, simply making eye contact or making faces the mother is revealing to baby who she is. Nor is baby merely receptive. He's doing his best to respond; and the calmer she can make him, the more capable he is of responding. As she interacts, she is proffering her world to him--the world. If she does so as to make it a series of pleasurable exchanges, he will be more willing to explore, howbeit tentatively.

Impercepibly, she entices baby to imitate her, to find the joy she exudes. Her gestalt imperceptibly is being imprinted onto the baby's brain through their experiences together!

I'm reminded of how quickly musician-parents, circus-performing-parents and Chinese restauranteur-parents introduce themselves to their offsrping through the implements of their respective trades. Rather than presenting baby with the conventional toys from Toys-R-Us, these parents offer baby trinkets from their line of work: a toy musical instrument, a toy dumb-bell and skip rope; a dinner set of knife, fork and napkin ring! They also take their baby to their work frequently.

Have you ever noticed the toddler the floor or in a high chair in the back of a Chinese Restaurant near the kitchen door? Baby is coming to know his primary caregiver's milieu, which is now his milieu! Baby is being initiated into a community setting, where his life will have meaning.


The Meta-elements of Social Love between mother (i.e., primary caregiver) and baby

The properties:
1. Reaching out phenomenon. Mother recognizes baby's helplessness. Baby has needs. Over time, each recognizes in the other a strength of purpose and will to know the other.
2. Response to the 'call.' Baby comes to depend on the constancy of response of the primary caregiver even as mother looks for grateful satisfaction and appreciation from baby, demonstrated through their bodily movements and oral expressions.
3. Shared affection, the bonding phenomenon. There's an emotional appeal in having the other around. Each enjoys the other, where the enjoyment is sensed through one of the five senses; an awareness of the presence of the other.
4. Communicative factor. Baby comes to expect mother to understand, to get the message. Similarly, mother assumes baby understands the meaning of her attentive activities toward him.
5. Endurance feature. Feelings of genuine attachment are developed due to the concomitant pleasure experienced through the manifold encounter sessions. Frustation and disappointment resulting from some particular interaction may be accompanied by anger or hostility by one or the other--baby or mother. But such reactions are temporary overcome by the host of pleasurable experiences between them.

Behavior Modification

I have argued that the social significance of loving is to be found in behavior modification of the participants. That is to say, social animals must enter into an emotional state of love on for the other for meaningful and lasting change in behavior. The practitioner of psychodrama J. L. Moreno referred to social love as "the warm up," a period in which patient and therapist establish an emotional tie. It's the need for the a patient's body to prepare itself for behavioral change--and in the case of therapy, learning new habits with greater acceptablity by society.

Now in the case of mother-baby, social love is the emotional state of calmness and tranquility, e.g., emphasized in Eastern Thought as the transcendence of the mind toward Nirvana. Note that both baby and mother are becoming calmer, more able to reason together, less prone to yelling at the other in a state of hysteria. In mother's focusing upon stilling her baby, she herself is to become more attentive to the other, e.g., his needs, and less subject to her own bouts of anxiety.

The social implications of the love between mother and baby are enormous. For it can be through the mothers of this world, having been aware of their role in loving their offspring, that the ideal of rationally approaching the problems of social interaction should permeate the greater society. But this has been known since the times of the ancient Greeks whose mothers acted to counter the violence and aggression of their male-folk.

The clear point is, mothers additionally trained in techniques of conflict resolution ought to play a role in instances calling for a calm approach to issues so as to absolve hostility among persons and nations. For they know how to handle individuals gone bezerk!

Come to think of it, Hilary Clinton by my criterion is well suited to be Secretary of State of the US!