The Social Love in Self-love

Psychoanalysts talk of "self-love" as the recognition and personal appreciation of one's potentialities; as the understanding that you can become a force in the world by knowing what you're capable of doing and doing it responsibly!




The Transition from child to adult: the puberty metaphorphosis




In the early years of life, you learn to socialize with others close to you: mother, family, schoolmates; relatives. You don't see yourself being a participant in a greater whole--the community--until you broach the topic, "Who am I?" Puberty, traditionally, is the time of life when a youngster sees himself in a different light. He's no longer is taking orders, because he wants to be a "good kid," but he identifies himself as someone who acts according to his wants and desires: he becomes expressive of himself. That unique combination of qualities he possesses becomes knowable to others in what he chooses to do--whether or not others direct him. He plays the piano, for instance, because he wants to; perhaps, too, because he's good at it; and others are encouraging and approving. On the other hand, others might want him to play the piano, but if he's not good at it (in his own eyes) and enjoys playing, he simply won't. In such a case, "That's not him! "



Puberty starts when the hormones become real active. He grows hair on the legs, his voice changes with the advent of an Adam's apple, his face is dotted with acne pimples; he experiences wet dreams. In the case of a young girl, her breasts go through stages of development; and there is blood periodically "down there." Both boys and girls sprout up and out--growing taller and becoming heavier during a pronounced increase in metabolic rate. The boy or the girl merely observe these changes in themselves in wonder-ment. You've probably noticed teenagers watching themselves intently in the mirror or stare at parts of their anatomy in transition. They are also cognizant that others around them are noticing them change. In the end, around 18, some girls are deemed "pretty" even "beautiful" and some boys "cute"and handsome.




In the Bible, St. Paul states about his own puberty, that when he was young, he spoke and acted like a child, but once through this metamorphosis, he put away childish things and became an adult individual.




Reacting to the bodily upheavals, the kid may come to think he must reject his past including those instrumental in his upbringing--parents, siblings. The school system at this juncture in the kid's education may reinforce a rejection pointing out that science and technology advances have made their parents' knowledge and ways of doing things obsolete. Instead, "new knowledge" has replaced what parents claim to know, even know for sure! At school functions, he may resent his parents showing up--in his mind, they are relegated to the house and neighborhood mall!




One's thing is for sure: the teen recognizes himself as his own person, different from anybody else. He sees his weight increase, his height grow; his genitals become most active. He may become conceited over these metamorphic changes, for he may discover that others are lured by some of his newly acquired qualities. Importantly, he is doing more things on his own. He drives a car, gets a part-time job, manages more money than he ever had as a youngster, and is dating regularly unchaperoned! Withal, he must pay careful attention to what he does, for he knows there are repercussions and ramifications: he could kill or injure someone while he is driving, he could overextend his credit; he could make a girl pregnant. So, with the assumption of adult actions, he is taking on greater responsibility.

Little wonder that in many primitive societies, the advent of a child's entrance into puberty is a time of great joy! It heralds the transformation of a youngster into an adult, henceforth bearing on his shoulder the emblem of his tribe.

Falling in Love with Your Self

Initially, the self is simply a principle of individuation, whereby the baby recognizes he is different from his mother and other primary caregivers. As the self develops, the child recognizes his wants and desires and actions are his own, regardless what others expect from him. However, the self has not reached the stage where self-love is possible until the child enters puberty, in my estimation.

For self-love requires that the individual know the ramifications of his actions and be able to channel his wants and proclivities through assuming responsible adult roles whereby his actions can be judged and evaluated, even by him. That is to say, self-love requires the self-confidence to become self-reliant within a cultural setting.

In Man for Himself Eric Fromm has pointed out that according to traditional Christianity, self-love was sinful. You shouldn't love yourself, but devote yourself to loving others. "Pride cometh before a fall!" the Scripture warns. Self-confidence was associated with a lack of concern for others. Doing things "my way" is seen as selfishness. Fromm contends, on the other hand, that self-pride or self-love is just being human, recognizing our humanity. For as a people of the "now" generation, we own houses, take career jobs, join the military to defend our country, fall in love to partner with someone, go to college, have children and enjoy the grandchildren, travel, drive a car that symbolizes "me!", retire--all in all, live a good life as we envision it as a human being in a social milieu.

The Social Love in Self-Love: the Meta-Elements

1. Reaching-out in order to embrace yourself! During puberty, you teenagers watch daily the changes being wrought in you. You stare at the mirror. You monitor your weight--increasing--your height--upward bound--your toes and feet--getting nice--and you note changes in your interests--THE OTHER SEX. You're glad about some of the changes, but don't know about the others--"am I really that attractive? Do they like what I've got?" You want their reactions to the new you just as much as the mirror's and those stares of yours to body-parts.

2. Acceptance of yourself. As you grow and develop physically, you come to gain in self-confidence. You know what you can do and what you can't. If you're not going to be over 6 feet tall, you probably should pass on trying out for the high school basketball team. If your genitals are just normal looking, nothing noteworthy, then you're likely to get involved in some school club like public speaking or debating rather than like photography or acting, clubs where you might likely show-off your physique! If you find your interests leaning to mental challenges, you might join the chess club. For, there's a mental metaphorphosis, too, as the mind continues to expand its horizons and you make decisions pertaining to your interests and proclivities; and as you confront new social situations.

3. Shared affection between the "I" (who does things) and the "Me" (who prefers to do certain of those things). Just as it is said in the Bible that God not only created the heavens and the earth, but that he adjudged that it was "good," so you teenagers test your mettle and take pride in what you have accomplished. It's the same feeling that a construction worker has when he comes back to the building he had a part in constructing and points out to others his personal handiwork in putting up a wall, etc. "I did that," he exclaims with pride in his workmanship. This experience symbolizes the individual's bonding with himself.

4. Participation of self. At any time when an individual into his attitudes and moods, he is drawn to recognize his being. If, having just heard of a death of a loved-one, he cries uncontrollably, his hand involuntarily shakes, his mind becomes confused and his sentences incoherent, he knows why he is behaving thusly, i.e., he understands that's the way he acts in such situations. If someone were to question his actions at that moment, he might say simply, "This is me. It's how I am."

Similarly, should an individual be accused of murdering another person while he was intoxicated, he might reply to the police, "No, that's not the thing I would do. I don't become violent when I'm stoned!"

5. Anticipation of future moments of self-love. The individual who has loved himself has taken responsibility for his acting the way he does. He is aware of the ramifications of his particular act on himself and others; and he acts with the self-confidence of one who knows, upon surveying the results of his action. that he has done good!

Assuming you're that person, wouldn't you want to continue in your ways, displaying your own style of doing things? Wouldn't you look forward with eagerness to just be yourself, love every moment of experiencing yourself in what you do and say, sense your own importance and worth within yourself?

The defense rests!

The Gang Phenomenon

The member of a gang has a poorly developed or immature self, in my opinion. He does not take responsibility for his actions, but relies on the gang leaders to tell him what to do without engaging self. The gang's purpose in using its members is to accomplish some un-toward act. A gang member drives a car as told to do in order to, say, take on another gang in warfare. Fighting over territory, a gang leader will instruct his gang cohorts to play their part to achieve the gang's nefarious end. Just as his dad tells him to take out the garbage, his gang leader tells him to knife a member of an invading gang. As a gang member, the individual must obey or else!

To get a gang member interested in being himself in societal situations requires, it seems to me, that he see his act as his own, emanating from commanding himself so to act, without referring to the gang's leaders nor the gang's purposes. Or again, to break up a gang, each of its members must engage in actions for which he feels the responsible agent. He must see he is acting first and foremost out of self-interest and with self-pride.

The Social Isolate

In contradistinction to gang behavior, the social isolate is in need of a mentor to guide him in performing acts of self-realization--involving the recognition of the act and its ramifications as part of learning to be responsible for one's actions. Today, the mentorship program for self-development is really in limbo, probably because it's difficult to find adults willing to do the mentoring of an individual.

The Social Function of Self-Love

The self is recognized by society during the puberty transformation from child to adult. This is because the individual at that age is generally thought responsible for his actions and can be held accountable heretowith. Typically, throughout puberty, the individual is monitored by appointed members in the community who attest to the quality of his performance in adult roles.

For the self is displayed through social roles. It is simply the case that a self is fashioned and becomes known by the individual's personal characteristics and qualities displayed in societal situations.

In sum, before puberty, you do as told; after puberty, you contemplate by asking before you commit to act, "Is that really me?"

Loving an Hysterical Intruder, a Baby!

Looking upon baby

The traditional thinking about a baby's growth is that baby comes into the world naturally, so let it develop naturally under the tutelage of the primary care provider, e.g., the mother. It just takes time and a loving caregiver to bring about a confident, cooperative child.

That's the "old way." New knowledge in physiology challenges that way by pointing out social interactions, particularly with the mother, affects baby's brain development and stress level. Baby needs his physical body attended to in a nuturing environment by a caring mother. That is, not only must the mother administer to baby's physical needs, e.g., giving baby bottle or her breast, etc., she must provide an atmosphere and interact so as to make baby feel safe, secure, welcome; and comfortable. The role of the mother is to minimize the baby's feelings of discomfort and distress and maximize pleasurable experiences. For the baby is not only growing physiologically and anatomically, but emotionally and socially through the interactions with the primary caregiver.

In this new way of thinking, the caregiver has many more responsibilities. She must engage in meaningful social interaction in which the baby is to be calmed, and made to feel secure. The caregiver's efforts will encourage the infant to enter the world, joyously, playfully with few mis-giving instilled by fear. This "new way" emphasizes the tranactional nature of the relationship between mother and baby giving rise to a social bond between them (what I am calling 'social love'). Qua caregiver, the mother is conceived as an actor, a "pretender" as it were, wherein she puts aside any feelings of stress and anger on her part and displays great patience and attentiveness. In the presence of baby, she must promote an atmosphere in which the baby can feel good about himself and come to realize on an emotional level he is a very special person.

You would not enter the hospital room of a dying parent, and show your true feelings of grief and remorse over the patient's condition. Calmly, you would extend your hand to the parent, talking quietly about anything that does not disturb the emotional equlibrium of the patient. The activities of your day must be left outside the room as you attempt to comfort and show compassion to the patient in his waning moments. Indeed, it is natural for humans to adapt to the social situation in which he is interacting, putting aside the attitudes and moods inappropriate. With that thought in mind, the new mother should attend to the baby's needs and wants in a calming and joyous way.

Drama in Welcoming Baby!

When the baby is born, despite the preparations and eager anticipations expressed by family, friends and expectant parents, the event marks an intrusion of major proportions into the lives of those who will provide its primary care, especially the mother. Baby is to infiltrate her life's activities and will commandeer her future for years to come. Yet, baby is an unknown being, demanding constancy of attention regardless of how she may feel about him. Her objective is to offer sufficient attention to effect a calming response from this seemingly amorphous creature through a bond she seeks to establish with it. Dianne Hines describes this bond as an intimate love, in her book The Baby Bond: How to Raise an Emotionally Healthy Child (1999). I refer to it as social love, for it is the interaction of two beings at an emotional level, wherein the mother enables baby to feel welcome in her society. Ms. Hines argues that the real sign of a baby's acceptance of her is when baby ventures forth from mother, aware of the security she provides in being attentively nearby. Because of this bond, baby--and toddler--takes it all in around him!

"Getting to know you; Getting to know all about you!"

Communication between mother and baby is by social interaction. In feeding, changing diapers, rocking, cooing, holding, kissing, touching, tickling, singing, simply making eye contact or making faces the mother is revealing to baby who she is. Nor is baby merely receptive. He's doing his best to respond; and the calmer she can make him, the more capable he is of responding. As she interacts, she is proffering her world to him--the world. If she does so as to make it a series of pleasurable exchanges, he will be more willing to explore, howbeit tentatively.

Impercepibly, she entices baby to imitate her, to find the joy she exudes. Her gestalt imperceptibly is being imprinted onto the baby's brain through their experiences together!

I'm reminded of how quickly musician-parents, circus-performing-parents and Chinese restauranteur-parents introduce themselves to their offsrping through the implements of their respective trades. Rather than presenting baby with the conventional toys from Toys-R-Us, these parents offer baby trinkets from their line of work: a toy musical instrument, a toy dumb-bell and skip rope; a dinner set of knife, fork and napkin ring! They also take their baby to their work frequently.

Have you ever noticed the toddler the floor or in a high chair in the back of a Chinese Restaurant near the kitchen door? Baby is coming to know his primary caregiver's milieu, which is now his milieu! Baby is being initiated into a community setting, where his life will have meaning.


The Meta-elements of Social Love between mother (i.e., primary caregiver) and baby

The properties:
1. Reaching out phenomenon. Mother recognizes baby's helplessness. Baby has needs. Over time, each recognizes in the other a strength of purpose and will to know the other.
2. Response to the 'call.' Baby comes to depend on the constancy of response of the primary caregiver even as mother looks for grateful satisfaction and appreciation from baby, demonstrated through their bodily movements and oral expressions.
3. Shared affection, the bonding phenomenon. There's an emotional appeal in having the other around. Each enjoys the other, where the enjoyment is sensed through one of the five senses; an awareness of the presence of the other.
4. Communicative factor. Baby comes to expect mother to understand, to get the message. Similarly, mother assumes baby understands the meaning of her attentive activities toward him.
5. Endurance feature. Feelings of genuine attachment are developed due to the concomitant pleasure experienced through the manifold encounter sessions. Frustation and disappointment resulting from some particular interaction may be accompanied by anger or hostility by one or the other--baby or mother. But such reactions are temporary overcome by the host of pleasurable experiences between them.

Behavior Modification

I have argued that the social significance of loving is to be found in behavior modification of the participants. That is to say, social animals must enter into an emotional state of love on for the other for meaningful and lasting change in behavior. The practitioner of psychodrama J. L. Moreno referred to social love as "the warm up," a period in which patient and therapist establish an emotional tie. It's the need for the a patient's body to prepare itself for behavioral change--and in the case of therapy, learning new habits with greater acceptablity by society.

Now in the case of mother-baby, social love is the emotional state of calmness and tranquility, e.g., emphasized in Eastern Thought as the transcendence of the mind toward Nirvana. Note that both baby and mother are becoming calmer, more able to reason together, less prone to yelling at the other in a state of hysteria. In mother's focusing upon stilling her baby, she herself is to become more attentive to the other, e.g., his needs, and less subject to her own bouts of anxiety.

The social implications of the love between mother and baby are enormous. For it can be through the mothers of this world, having been aware of their role in loving their offspring, that the ideal of rationally approaching the problems of social interaction should permeate the greater society. But this has been known since the times of the ancient Greeks whose mothers acted to counter the violence and aggression of their male-folk.

The clear point is, mothers additionally trained in techniques of conflict resolution ought to play a role in instances calling for a calm approach to issues so as to absolve hostility among persons and nations. For they know how to handle individuals gone bezerk!

Come to think of it, Hilary Clinton by my criterion is well suited to be Secretary of State of the US!

Social Love: Meta-Elements

The purpose of defining social love is to isolate the elements that occur in various situations of loving. My definition of social love has five elements that seem common to the experience of loving:
1. Someone is reaching out to another, and this other stands out in the beholder's eyes from his surroundings. He may reach out from need or desire in wanting the other.
2. The "other" accepts the one who desires him. He makes a gesture of recognition, suggesting complicity and compliance.
3. There is a display of shared affection. It becomes a sense of becoming at one with the other, of bonding.
4. There is a recognition of participation in the unfolding event by each party involved. Each comes to understand what the other is willing to do to help retain the relationship as meaningful and vital.
5. There is a feeling of anticipation of further sharing, an awareness that each can reach out for the other at some future time. At first this feeling is intense and consuming, but over time as each adjusts to the other, it lessens though the bonding effects tend to be lasting and are oftimes irreversible.

Interestingly, the bonding in loving is not dissimilar to engaging in a social contract, merely that there need be nothing verbal in the act of loving. A social contract requires a meeting of the minds; and social loving is based on a bonding between lovers; for he who accepts the reaching out of someone, enters in participation in the experience. And, just as there are visible consequences to the fulfilling of a social contract, so there are significant behavioral consequences to a social love relationship.

So, to say as some rejected persons do, "You don't love me!" is to recognize there is no sharing between the would-be participants in the experience of loving.

Social Love: Format

In this series of posts, I am doing research on the topic of "social love." The term has been coined by Irving Spring in his book The Pursuit of Love, 1994. It expresses the common sense notion that human loving is a social phenomenon, having important social consequences, not the least of which is new life.

As in the study of the social contract, which inaugurated this set of applying concepts to a variety of social contexts, the purpose of this study is to demonstrate how the concept's use, viz., social love, can make human conduct more rational, i.e., justified with good reasons.

The social situations that the term can be appropriately applied is open-ended. There are as many contexts that can fit the definition, as the creative mind can reasonably allude to! I will use the types of loving cast into certain life experiences as a guide for noting situations of loving---loving between a baby and a mother, loving between a child and his parents, friendship loving, and loving between (or, among) partners. I will present a paradigm of loving in that particular context. Because love is an emotional state, I will cast the experience in situ, depicting the experience as it occurs, wherever it occurs.

I have reviewed the literature on the topic of love, from Plato to modern times. There is a rich discussion, needless to say.

But I think by placing the experience in the social context, we can appreciate how the phenomenon functions in the culture. Fundamentally, it is a method for behavior modification. Companies, for one, have encouraged close relationships among their employees whenever they need especial effort to a) relieve the boredom of a job; b) make demanding deadlines of projects; and c) do the impossible by taking risks and by making sacrifices. Of course, the military promotes loving relationships for much the same reason. But enough of this so as to introduce the social dimension of love. On with the show!