The Social Love in Self-love

Psychoanalysts talk of "self-love" as the recognition and personal appreciation of one's potentialities; as the understanding that you can become a force in the world by knowing what you're capable of doing and doing it responsibly!




The Transition from child to adult: the puberty metaphorphosis




In the early years of life, you learn to socialize with others close to you: mother, family, schoolmates; relatives. You don't see yourself being a participant in a greater whole--the community--until you broach the topic, "Who am I?" Puberty, traditionally, is the time of life when a youngster sees himself in a different light. He's no longer is taking orders, because he wants to be a "good kid," but he identifies himself as someone who acts according to his wants and desires: he becomes expressive of himself. That unique combination of qualities he possesses becomes knowable to others in what he chooses to do--whether or not others direct him. He plays the piano, for instance, because he wants to; perhaps, too, because he's good at it; and others are encouraging and approving. On the other hand, others might want him to play the piano, but if he's not good at it (in his own eyes) and enjoys playing, he simply won't. In such a case, "That's not him! "



Puberty starts when the hormones become real active. He grows hair on the legs, his voice changes with the advent of an Adam's apple, his face is dotted with acne pimples; he experiences wet dreams. In the case of a young girl, her breasts go through stages of development; and there is blood periodically "down there." Both boys and girls sprout up and out--growing taller and becoming heavier during a pronounced increase in metabolic rate. The boy or the girl merely observe these changes in themselves in wonder-ment. You've probably noticed teenagers watching themselves intently in the mirror or stare at parts of their anatomy in transition. They are also cognizant that others around them are noticing them change. In the end, around 18, some girls are deemed "pretty" even "beautiful" and some boys "cute"and handsome.




In the Bible, St. Paul states about his own puberty, that when he was young, he spoke and acted like a child, but once through this metamorphosis, he put away childish things and became an adult individual.




Reacting to the bodily upheavals, the kid may come to think he must reject his past including those instrumental in his upbringing--parents, siblings. The school system at this juncture in the kid's education may reinforce a rejection pointing out that science and technology advances have made their parents' knowledge and ways of doing things obsolete. Instead, "new knowledge" has replaced what parents claim to know, even know for sure! At school functions, he may resent his parents showing up--in his mind, they are relegated to the house and neighborhood mall!




One's thing is for sure: the teen recognizes himself as his own person, different from anybody else. He sees his weight increase, his height grow; his genitals become most active. He may become conceited over these metamorphic changes, for he may discover that others are lured by some of his newly acquired qualities. Importantly, he is doing more things on his own. He drives a car, gets a part-time job, manages more money than he ever had as a youngster, and is dating regularly unchaperoned! Withal, he must pay careful attention to what he does, for he knows there are repercussions and ramifications: he could kill or injure someone while he is driving, he could overextend his credit; he could make a girl pregnant. So, with the assumption of adult actions, he is taking on greater responsibility.

Little wonder that in many primitive societies, the advent of a child's entrance into puberty is a time of great joy! It heralds the transformation of a youngster into an adult, henceforth bearing on his shoulder the emblem of his tribe.

Falling in Love with Your Self

Initially, the self is simply a principle of individuation, whereby the baby recognizes he is different from his mother and other primary caregivers. As the self develops, the child recognizes his wants and desires and actions are his own, regardless what others expect from him. However, the self has not reached the stage where self-love is possible until the child enters puberty, in my estimation.

For self-love requires that the individual know the ramifications of his actions and be able to channel his wants and proclivities through assuming responsible adult roles whereby his actions can be judged and evaluated, even by him. That is to say, self-love requires the self-confidence to become self-reliant within a cultural setting.

In Man for Himself Eric Fromm has pointed out that according to traditional Christianity, self-love was sinful. You shouldn't love yourself, but devote yourself to loving others. "Pride cometh before a fall!" the Scripture warns. Self-confidence was associated with a lack of concern for others. Doing things "my way" is seen as selfishness. Fromm contends, on the other hand, that self-pride or self-love is just being human, recognizing our humanity. For as a people of the "now" generation, we own houses, take career jobs, join the military to defend our country, fall in love to partner with someone, go to college, have children and enjoy the grandchildren, travel, drive a car that symbolizes "me!", retire--all in all, live a good life as we envision it as a human being in a social milieu.

The Social Love in Self-Love: the Meta-Elements

1. Reaching-out in order to embrace yourself! During puberty, you teenagers watch daily the changes being wrought in you. You stare at the mirror. You monitor your weight--increasing--your height--upward bound--your toes and feet--getting nice--and you note changes in your interests--THE OTHER SEX. You're glad about some of the changes, but don't know about the others--"am I really that attractive? Do they like what I've got?" You want their reactions to the new you just as much as the mirror's and those stares of yours to body-parts.

2. Acceptance of yourself. As you grow and develop physically, you come to gain in self-confidence. You know what you can do and what you can't. If you're not going to be over 6 feet tall, you probably should pass on trying out for the high school basketball team. If your genitals are just normal looking, nothing noteworthy, then you're likely to get involved in some school club like public speaking or debating rather than like photography or acting, clubs where you might likely show-off your physique! If you find your interests leaning to mental challenges, you might join the chess club. For, there's a mental metaphorphosis, too, as the mind continues to expand its horizons and you make decisions pertaining to your interests and proclivities; and as you confront new social situations.

3. Shared affection between the "I" (who does things) and the "Me" (who prefers to do certain of those things). Just as it is said in the Bible that God not only created the heavens and the earth, but that he adjudged that it was "good," so you teenagers test your mettle and take pride in what you have accomplished. It's the same feeling that a construction worker has when he comes back to the building he had a part in constructing and points out to others his personal handiwork in putting up a wall, etc. "I did that," he exclaims with pride in his workmanship. This experience symbolizes the individual's bonding with himself.

4. Participation of self. At any time when an individual into his attitudes and moods, he is drawn to recognize his being. If, having just heard of a death of a loved-one, he cries uncontrollably, his hand involuntarily shakes, his mind becomes confused and his sentences incoherent, he knows why he is behaving thusly, i.e., he understands that's the way he acts in such situations. If someone were to question his actions at that moment, he might say simply, "This is me. It's how I am."

Similarly, should an individual be accused of murdering another person while he was intoxicated, he might reply to the police, "No, that's not the thing I would do. I don't become violent when I'm stoned!"

5. Anticipation of future moments of self-love. The individual who has loved himself has taken responsibility for his acting the way he does. He is aware of the ramifications of his particular act on himself and others; and he acts with the self-confidence of one who knows, upon surveying the results of his action. that he has done good!

Assuming you're that person, wouldn't you want to continue in your ways, displaying your own style of doing things? Wouldn't you look forward with eagerness to just be yourself, love every moment of experiencing yourself in what you do and say, sense your own importance and worth within yourself?

The defense rests!

The Gang Phenomenon

The member of a gang has a poorly developed or immature self, in my opinion. He does not take responsibility for his actions, but relies on the gang leaders to tell him what to do without engaging self. The gang's purpose in using its members is to accomplish some un-toward act. A gang member drives a car as told to do in order to, say, take on another gang in warfare. Fighting over territory, a gang leader will instruct his gang cohorts to play their part to achieve the gang's nefarious end. Just as his dad tells him to take out the garbage, his gang leader tells him to knife a member of an invading gang. As a gang member, the individual must obey or else!

To get a gang member interested in being himself in societal situations requires, it seems to me, that he see his act as his own, emanating from commanding himself so to act, without referring to the gang's leaders nor the gang's purposes. Or again, to break up a gang, each of its members must engage in actions for which he feels the responsible agent. He must see he is acting first and foremost out of self-interest and with self-pride.

The Social Isolate

In contradistinction to gang behavior, the social isolate is in need of a mentor to guide him in performing acts of self-realization--involving the recognition of the act and its ramifications as part of learning to be responsible for one's actions. Today, the mentorship program for self-development is really in limbo, probably because it's difficult to find adults willing to do the mentoring of an individual.

The Social Function of Self-Love

The self is recognized by society during the puberty transformation from child to adult. This is because the individual at that age is generally thought responsible for his actions and can be held accountable heretowith. Typically, throughout puberty, the individual is monitored by appointed members in the community who attest to the quality of his performance in adult roles.

For the self is displayed through social roles. It is simply the case that a self is fashioned and becomes known by the individual's personal characteristics and qualities displayed in societal situations.

In sum, before puberty, you do as told; after puberty, you contemplate by asking before you commit to act, "Is that really me?"